Not Your Average Revenge
by Silv Loves You
Summary: Cartman finally realizes he takes crap from no Jew, and no one understands why he helps Kyle in a time of need. But what should the gang do when all of South Park is affected by the same problem? There are a few hints of Kyman if you squint. Some characters are purposely OOC. First fanfic! :D
1. Chapter 1

I jumped on the bed, not even putting on my Terrance and Phillip pajamas. I laughed at the thought of their best joke; Hey Terrance?" "Yes Phillip?" "Is it a bit foggy in here or is it just me?" "No why do you a-" *FART* "Aaahahahahahaha!" "Oh Terrance, you could be the weather man!" "I know!" "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!"

It was my favorite joke of theirs. Needless to say, I had about twenty. I turned my head to my bed side table to look at the clock: 11:34. I had a really long day; Stan, Kenny, Cartman and I went skating at Starks pond. Stan played hockey so he helped Cartman and Kenny a bit, well tried to keep Cartman from cracking the ice, at least.

I already knew how to skate, because regrettably my mom made me take skating lessons when I was 7. Let's just day I was the only boy there. Anyway, I was really tired and my eyes felt heavy, so I turned off my lamp and dozed off.

I was walking on the sidewalk heading to school, to drop off Ike in his kindergarten class. I mentally questioned this because mom usually drives him, but I just rolled with it. He was talking but I couldn't hear him, so I just kept nodding in response for a while. But then he started to cry.  
I tried to help him, but there was an invisible wall between us that kept me from hearing him or getting near him. I also started to taste salty tears running down my cheek, but I couldn't even feel them running down my face. I desperately tried to run into the wall with no luck. My legs and feet wouldn't budge so I tried yelling out to him, only to find that my voice didn't work.

Then he was gone all together.

It was a whole new setting; inside a volcano with Cartman next to me, tying me up to a stake. Trust me, worst case scenario ever. I couldn't move at all, but I could scream at him. CARTMAN! GET ME THE FUCK DOWN!" He snorted, and replied with a devilish smile, "With pleasure, Kahl." I tried screaming at him, but instead he lowered me down to the boiling lava. I was waiting for the burns, but they never came. Just a funny tickling sensation.

The setting changed yet again. I was at Stark's Pond skating with Stan. Nothing kept us from talking this time. But he kept talking about Wendy. Honestly, I think he deserved better. She was always claiming Stan as hers even when they weren't dating. She was also a total bitch sometimes. Well, all the time.

"And then, she finally decided that she would come with us on Friday! Isn't that cool dude?"  
What? We were going somewhere on Friday? But Stan said he was going to visit his Grandpa! But my mind seemed to make up everything for me.

"Yeah dude, that's cool." Then the seen changed for the last time.

It was a beautiful garden, all filled with red flowers forming the shape of a star. I didn't really like flowers, but the star looked kinda cool. I saw everything I loved there: Mom, Dad, Ike. All of my family. My friends to, but my attention was on Stan and Kenny.

Cartman was no where to be seen. I hate him, if anything he'd ruin this garden and it's treasures.  
As if on que, he showed up. He was ranting on, but I couldn't hear him. He walked over to me with that devilish grin I hate, and held his arms out. At first I was confused, but then he hugged me? I couldn't move, but I was shocked enough that I wouldn't have anyway. He looked up, still holding me with his chubby hands, and smiled warmly.

The fuck was he doing?  
He seemed to be talking words of comfort to me, but I only heard bits and pieces.  
"Kyle, I'm sorry for your loss." What god damn loss?  
"I think It would be best if I-" That was all I heard. He kept talking for what seemed like hours, and repeating that stupid smile all the while. What the hell dude? Cartman?! COMFORTING me? I didn't even know what I had lost! The fatass is screwing with my dreams too?! I see him enough during the day, let alone my dreams!

After his rants, he looked right at me, all serious like for a few seconds. It was really creepy, and then he slowly turned that solemn face into a evil, knowing one. And right when he was grinning ear to ear, everything caught on fire. Stan's hair was burning off, and Kenny was already dead! Mom was screaming her head off and Dad was too. The once beautiful garden was up in flames and I watched in horror as the flowers shriveled up. What just happened?

Cartman ruins everything!

I looked around, seeing everything I loved, in ashes.

Except Ike.  
He was untouched, like he had no worry in the world. He was skipping around, looking at the corpses of my friends all dead, and smiling happily like always. He skipped over to me and spoke in his usual way. "Why you crwying?" I hadn't noticed the salty tears come back, and wiped one off the corner of my face only to recognize that awful feeling. He looked at me in concern and started shaking me, violently. He looked close to tears, and that's when I woke up.

I squinted my eyes at the sudden light, and rubbed the crusty stuff off them. Ike was on my lap, shaking me like in the dream. Mom and Dad were looking at me with worried expressions.

"Kyle sweetheart, are you okay?"  
Her brows were furrowed in concentration, while her green eyes gleamed at me in concern.  
"I'm fine, why?" Dad looked frustrated, and similar to mom.  
"Fine? You were screaming! Even crying, Kyle!" I looked down to see my sheets, now covered in sweat, and those stupid tears on my cheeks again.

"...I-I was?.." Ike looked at me with one of his cute little sad faces(I know it sounds gay, but as often as I kick Ike around I still love him) he tugged at my now soaked shirt.  
"You was yelling and say 'Ike! Ike! Ike! and it... bushit." I felt bad for him, I didn't mean to scare him. But it's not like I really had the option...

"It's okay Ike, Im sorry I scared you." I hugged him, but only for half a second when he winced at my sweat covered clothes.  
Wow, I haven't ever been one to do something like that.

Mom must have seen my odd expression. "So what happened Bubba?"  
She still called me Bubba, I wish she wouldn't around my friends...  
I wanted to explain the dream, but one look at Ike's face and I knew that wasn't an option.

"Just a... bad dream.."

"About what?"  
I visibly winced, and I considered just giving Mum that look. You know, the one that all parents understand; the one that explains everything for some odd reason, with no words involved.

But I blurted it out. I seriously need to filter my thoughts better.  
"Cartman..." I gave a disgusted face, remembering the fire. Mom still doesn't understand my relationship with Cartman, but knows that we can switch from 'somewhat sorta friends' to 'I will kill you in your sleep'.  
I don't get it either.

"Oh, well you can talk about it later if you want. Me and your father are going to bed."  
"Okay, I guess." Sheesh, way to comfort me mom. She started to leave, but turned around to look at me first.  
"Oh! Ike wanted to sleep with you tonight."  
"But mom h-"

"Please, Kyle dear?" I looked down to little Ike, already curled up in a ball on my lap, sucking on his baby-sized fingers.  
I cursed under my breath. "Fine." She gave me one of those, 'I just won' smiles and headed to her room with dad.

"If you need us, you know where we are." No shit.  
"Kay Mom."  
"Goodnight, Bubba." I mentally sighed.  
"Night."

She turned off the lights, and shut the door. I looked down at my little Canadian brother, resting so soundlessly curled up on my lap. Did he really trust me that much? After all those times of,

'Ready Ike? Kick the baby!' 'Dont kick the baby." *kick* 'Oooof!'

I suddenly felt a little guilty for all those times I was so mean to him. I sighed, picking him up and putting his little body next to mine. I pulled my sheets onto him, ignoring the wet patches. I watched as he breathed, his chest going; up, down. up, down.  
I slowly leaned over, and kissed him on the forehead totally regretting it a second after. Realizing how gay that must of looked, I imagined Cartman laughing at me.

I always felt as if he was watching me.

I scowled, and pulled the wet covers over myself. I couldn't help but wonder; what on Earth was that dream about? It could have meant something, Mr. Garrison talked about dreams once.

Wait.

This is Mr. Garrison. The guy who teaches us about the popular celebrities, and got a sex change. This won't mean anything! At least I hoped not. Leaving it at that, I drifted to sleep again.

Luckily with no more dreams that night.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I really hope that the spacing works this time -_- I kept getting really annoyed because this chapter was deleting itself and the spacing, italics, and bold letters weren't working. It works on Doc manager, but not when I post it. If it shows up weird again, I'll try my best to fix it later. Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

I heard my dumb mom yelling at me from the kitchen. Well maybe it wasn't yelling, but it always annoyed me either way.

Will she just SHUT UP?

"Snookums, I got you a yummy breakfast down here! It's all yours if you come down and get ready for school!"  
Nooooo! Not the food bribes!  
But my poptart sandwich neeeeds me!  
"Meeeeeem, I wanna sleeeep!" I am so tired. Even food couldn't-...  
Well maybe it can. Oh well, sleeping is for fags anyway. Except I'm not a fag, everyone else is.

"Please, you can even watch your favorite show while you eat!"

That won me over. I got up, stretching my muscles to their extent-well my extent- and got dressed. I barely got downstairs, my eyes were still barely open. I saw mom in the kitchen finishing my healthy breakfast of poptarts, chocolate sauce, and butter.

With sprinkles.

I do need my brain food you know, veggies and fruit just make you ugly. I sat down on the couch, grabbing my breakfast, and watched Terrance and Phillip for a while. Then mom ruined my life again.  
"Sweety, it's time to get ready for school!"  
I didn't answer.  
"Don't make me turn the TV off, Snookums."  
AHHH! But I wanna WATCH TERRANCE AND PHILIP FART ON EACH OTHER.

"But I wanna WATCH TERRANCE AND PHILIP MEEYEM!" "I'm sorry Eric, but now is time for school. The TV will still be here when you get back."

I'd get revenge on that heartless bitch later.  
I can always think of ways how, considering I am a super cool mastermind, after all. I got Kahl to suck my balls, Stan to puke on Wendy multiple times, used Butters to cover myself when I'm in trouble, (_everyone_ does that) and I got Keeny,... well I can't exactly remember what I've done to Keeny, but it must have been bad.  
But that was beside the point. My revenge, schemes, whatever the fuck you call 'em...weren't EVER lame. These faggy, stupid assholes had to get what they deserved. You could say, my revenge wasn't... average.

Not even close.

Above average revenge, is what I'd call it. Not _your_ average, anyway.

Mine could kick yours ass.  
Now, Imagine the worst thing you could possibly ever think of.  
And... I think it's some dumbass math word... Yaes! Multiplering, or something. Multipler... Multiplan...

STOP MUTTERING MOM, I'm THINKING!

Multiplitatoe... whatever its called, that bad thought by six!  
No one else could claim the title of, 'Most Awesome Plan By The Best Person In The World Award Of Giving Revenges'.

Not even Kahl.

But yeah, when the ruler of the world guy sees how badass I am someday, he'll give me a trophy that says that very thing.

Oh, and he'll give up the world to me or die.  
Also, its not that I couldn't beat anyone's title that I wanted too. Ass-kicking is easy for me, what with my buff stature and big bones. I will admit, I have lost before. Hard to believe, hmmn?  
Me.  
THE Eric Theodore Cartman never loses. It's just that, these muscles are a lot to handle. Even for me. If I can't, no one can either.  
Jews would fail the worst, 'specially Kahl.  
Considering all Jews are scrawny ass pieces of shit.  
Except Kahl's mom, she's just a Big. Fat. _Bitch_. Ha ha ha ha ha _haaaa_.

I don't wanna waste my valuable time thinking about them though, I've gotta get to the lame excuse they call South Park Elementary.  
I quickly finish my breakfast, cause it's that yummy, and head out the door.  
Why does the bus stop have to be so far away? Some people have better things to do than _WALK_.

Jesus Christ, people!

Whateva. When I'm older, I'll do what I want and make the school bus come to ME.  
School is dumb anyway, it shouldn't exist.

I got to the bus stop and stand next to Keeny, like always. It was quiet for a few seconds.

No smartass remarks from Kahl?

I turned my head to look at them all, and all I saw were three completely blank faces.  
Well two and a half, cause of Keeny's jacket. They must have be thinking or something.

"What's wrong with you guys, I know I'm not dead."  
No response.  
"Answer me, fags!" I waited a few seconds, and was surprised to hear Keeny's muffled voice instead of Kahls for once.

"No one ever wants to answer you, fatass."

"Ey', don't call me fat butt fucker!"

"Dude, your not big boned, your fat. I seriously doubt anyone has ever called you otherwise, not even your crack whore of a mom!"

"I. AM NOT. FAT. And don't bring my mom into this Staaan!"

"WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! PLEASE, FOR GODS SAKE, IM _THINKING_!"

_Yessss_. Now to get Kahl.  
"What precious thoughts are so important as to interrupt our conversation, greedy ass Jew?"

Kahl looked at me disgusted, as always  
. "Why do you care, fatass? And don't belittle my people!"

"I don't care, I just wanna make fun of the ugliest, greediest, gingerest, Jew in history. Other than your parents."\

"Not that you have any family to be proud of! As many times as you want to deny it, you ARE a fatass, you ARE stupid, and your mom IS a crack lovin' WHORE."

"Oh just shut your dirty ball-sucking mouth, Kahl."

Stupid JEW! What he said... Why hasn't this ever bothered me more than this?

Its pretty sudden for me to think this, but hey!

**I. AM _NOT_. FAT.**

I always just say something witty back, and that's that. Why haven't I noticed this before?  
I AM NOT. What Kahl says. How can I prove it? I don't know how... But maybe I don't have to.

What he says **_can't_** be true. Therefore, I will finally handle this. I should have done something to torture him before.

What was I thinking? Oh right. I wasn't.

I felt an evil smirk come across my face, and saw Kyle looking at me funny, Stan and Kenny doing the same behind him.  
I shifted my feet, and dropped the smirk. Can't have a plan with them finding out. I decided a smartass remark would make up for it.  
"I don't give a fuck what you say. Screw you guys, Ima 'goin home."

And I walked away, leaving some slightly confused three boys behind me. But that's how its always been.

* * *

**A/N: I fixed it! Finally! Im going to update this more often now, even though I still kinda suck at this. But its only my first fanfic, what can I say? ****I also have the rest of the story planned out. I feel more accomplished.**

**Anyway, thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

When we got to school, things actually seemed like they would be normal today.  
Like everyday, I was wrong.  
Mr. Garrison flipped out on us for talking in class, apparently it always pissed him off but he never said anything about it.

"Hey Kyyyle?"

Cartman really smells bad, ew. He can't whisper without spitting on me either. I shrugged it off.

"What fatass?"

"Your hat sucks ass man. I should have told you before."

What the fuck?

"It does not!"

"Yeah it does, we can still see part of your dumbass Jew-Fro!"

"God Damnit Cartman shut the fuck up! At least my hair isn't infested with parasites!"

"My hair is way better looking than yours! No one likes ginger-Jew-fros! NOT EVEN YOUR BITCH ASS MOM!"

"WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT MY HAT ALL OF A SUDDEN ANYWAYS?"

The whole class was staring at us now, and Mr. Garrison looked like he was shitting himself.  
Why must we fight about such random shit all the time? And in class, too?

"THAT IS IT! IF YOU DAMN KIDS DON'T SHUT YOUR MOUTHS RIGHT NOW, I WILL SHOVE MR. HAT UP EACH OF YOUR SORRY ASSES."

And then Butters started crying, and Cartman was rolling on the floor laughing his fat ass off. Along with everyone else in class.  
"BUTTERS-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-SUCH A FAA-HAHAHAHHAHA!"  
That only made Butters cry harder, and he ran out of the classroom.

Damn he had some problems nowadays. He seems more sensitive, as if that was possible.

Mr. Garrison sighed.  
"You have to go get that little fucker now, don't ya?"

"Language Mr. Hat! But unfortunately, yes."

With that, he left.

Naturally, everyone just started talking or insulting each other.  
Cartman was unnaturally quiet, but I guess he was just recovering from laughter.

The rest of the day was okay.  
I had an uneasy feeling all day for some reason though, and that usually happens when another random event occurs and almost destroys South Park, but everything just resets and the same thing happens over an over again.  
Oh well, whatever shit we have to go through, it'll be over with soon enough.

As I got on the bus, I saw Kenny sit next to Cartman and start whispering something, and Kenny had a smirk growing on his face.

Wonder what they were up to.

Stan sat next to me, and we were just talking about random things.

"So dude, I bought that new video game Kenny and I were talking about earlier. It was a total waste of my 30 dollars."

I just shrugged. That game did suck though.

"Kyle, you okay? You've been off a bit all day."

"I just had a weird dream last night, and I've had a bad feeling all day. Probably just another random thing coming, you know?"

"What was the dream abou-"

"OWWWWEEEEE! ERIC STOP THAT PLEASE!"

"NO, YOU LITTLE FAG! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Me and Stan exchanged glances, and looked over to the seat across from us.  
Cartman was holding Butters by his underwear, and Kenny was holding Butters up to help.

That was one painful looking wedgie...

"Ughh, Cartman just put him down dude, who cares if Butters is a fag."

I took a glance at Butters to see his eyes glistening with tears, and he had them running down his face. He was whimpering, and then squeezed his eyes shut tight.

"And why should I get rid of such a good opportunity Stan?"

"Cause Butters isn't worth the effort, just put him down." Cartman opened his mouth to say something, but closed it.  
He dropped Butters on the ground, who quickly took the empty seat in the back of the bus so he could cry to himself in peace.  
Cartman looked down in thought, and got a sly smile from ear to ear and looked straight at me.

Oh shit.

He ran over to me, grabbing my shoulders but I pushed him out of the way and I heard him slam into Kenny. I heard something crack, ouch.

I ran down the isle of the bus even though some kids were still trying to get on, and I heard the bus driver yelling at me.

"GET BACK ON THE BUS!"

For once I ignored that old skank, and I turned around to see if Cartman had followed me. Sure enough, I saw a fat ass trying to run towards me.

I didn't even know why I was running, it's not like he could actually catch me. I did anyways though, no idea why.

I ran through the snow, hearing the crunching sound of shoes on snow behind me. Heavy boots, might I add. He could run if he really wanted too, but I honestly didn't see the point in it this time.

After what I thought was a minute, I turned my head back to not see a fat blob chasing me. I plumped down in the snow, wiping the sweat from my forehead.  
Great, I have to walk the rest of the way home now. AND I have to walk Ike to his damn class.

It could be worse, I guess. Wait, scratch that, it probably _will_ get worse.

After a few minutes of just sitting there, I realized I left my backpack on the bus.  
Shit, I hope Stan gets it for me.  
Sighing, I just stayed there. I'm lazier than I look, I'm not the one you see playing sports that often.

Moms gonna kill me when I get back, she hates it when I'm late for anything. Not to mention I'm gonna beat the crap out of Cartman tomorrow.

After another minute, I just get up and start walking home. Great, it's starting to snow. Just what South Park needs, more damn snow.  
My clothes are starting to get wet, and it seems almost as if a storm is coming. I can't see the sun anymore, and only a few hundred feet in front of me. The thing about the weather here, is that it can change from a perfectly sunny day and a slightly warm temperature, to a fucking blizzard.  
And that seems to be what's happening right now.

I try to just think about other things as I walk, either that or worry about dying from hypothermia.  
The first thing that comes to mind is what the hell I'm going to do to Cartman tomorrow.

Beating the shit out of him is the easiest, but for once maybe I should try something different. I could just destroy his room again, but it would be obvious I did it, not to mention Mom would freak out. Anything else would be to Cartman-like. He'd love to mess with either my social or personal life. As if he hasn't already.

Eh, I'll figure something out later. There's gotta be something else I could do.

I arrive at my house, and take deep breaths as I walk towards the door. I hesitantly ring the doorbell, having left my keys in the backpack that is probably still on the bus.

After a few seconds, Ike gets the door. I still don't understand how he reaches that doorknob.

He doesn't say anything, but steps aside for me to walk in. I try to head for my room, but mom just has to walk out of the kitchen at that moment.

"KYLE! What happened to you! Are you sick? Did the kids kick you off the bus?" She frantically tried wiping the snow off me, and took of my jacket and shirt to get me new ones.

I stopped her when she was about to put me in the shower.

"Mom, it's okay. I'll go take a warm shower myself and-"

"OKAY? This is the opposite of okay! You walked home in the snow storm! Your lucky your not out there right now!"

I took a glance at the window, and shivered seeing the extra foot of snow.

"Young man, you tell me what happened this instant!"

I sighed dramatically so she knew I was annoyed, and told her. There's no point in lying, she says she can see it in my eyes. She just listened until the part where Cartman started chasing me.

"What what WHAT? You and that boy need to sort that out tomorrow at school!"

"But mom, he won't listen to me, let alone let-"

"No, EXCUSES!" She shooed me upstairs and told me to take a warm bath, make some soup, blah blah blah.

She ended up taking Ike to his class, in the _car_ for once.

Why couldn't _she_ do it all the time instead of me?

I did as she said, and went to bed afterwards. Today was tiring.  
At least it was Friday. Too bad Stan's leaving to see his grandpa, I'll just have to hang out with Kenny or something. I don't remember seeing him today... Maybe he was sick? I don't know.

After a few minutes, I just fell into a dreamless sleep. Good thing too, I still felt bothered over that retarded dream.


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors Note: This was kinda rushed... I'm still not that great of a writer. But practice makes perfect... Right? **

**Oh, and thank you people for reviewing, I appreciate it so much. :D**

* * *

It's 7:30 AM, and Ike still isn't up yet.  
He's usually up at around 5:00, being a suck up an making mom and dad pancakes. I'm not really worried, plus it's Saturday. I'm gonna be bored out of my mind with Stan at his grandpas though.  
He's like 80, and chooses _now_ to be suicidal?

Weird.

Moms sleeping late today too, that blizzard last night was still going on strong while she was driving Ike, so she had a hard time getting home. Everyone in town was either shopping, or going to KFC yesterday, so there was traffic all the way downtown. It seems exaggerated, this town being so small, but old people plus a blizzard can lead to bad things.

So I'm just in the kitchen by myself.

I might go to Kenny's house, but he's probably busy shoveling snow out of it right now.  
That hole on the roof keeps getting bigger.

I'd never go to Cartman's house. Only with Stan an Kenny, but not by myself.

So really I have nothing to do. I almost never have nothing to do, there's usually some crazy shit going on around the town making me pretty damn busy.

Thankfully the blizzard is keeping that from happening.

So I have the house to myself for at least another hour.

What do I do?

Nothing.

It's kind of entertaining, all those random things that somehow end up involving Stan, Kenny, Cartman and I. But it can also get boring, and tiring. I'll take any chances I have to do nothing for at least an hour or so.

I get up and head from the kitchen to the living room, and just sit on the couch, doing nothing. I could use this time to think of what to do to Cartman. Either that or wait until he does something first.

He thinks I didn't see the smirk on his face yesterday morning? That and him chasing me? Too obvious. I know he's doing something. Ha, he really underestimates me. That makes me wonder why he never did anything too drastic before, there were so many chances he could have.

Well sure, he's tried to kill me...

But either his plans were ruined or...

He didn't want to?

No, he hates me. What am I thinking?

Do I hate him?

Yes. So much I could... beat him up, I guess.

Never kill him. I wouldn't go that low. I'd be as bad as him.

Yes, he would kill me in an instant.

He ground up some kids parents and made him eat there remains as chili.

That proves why he's such a fat, racist, bastard!  
Well, he's slightly smart. For all the wrong reasons. I'm smart for the right reasons, and not racist or fat.

I bet if he actually tried, he could get skinnier.

I wonder what that would look like...?

No, I cant get of subject. Damn it why can't I think of anything?

Maybe I could-

"Kyle!"

Moms up already?

I looked at the clock again, it's now 8:12.

Wow, I was think for that long?

"Yes mom?"

"Can you wake up Ike for me please? He's never been sleeping this late, and I need to do some grocery shopping."

This will be easy, I just bribe him with Canadian pudding.

He loves that shit.

"Okay mom. When will you be back?"

"In an hour or two. Call me if there are any problems."

"Sure."

"And if you need anything."

"Yeah yeah I know!"

"What did you just say young man?!"

"I said yes, if there are any problems I will call my lovely mother of mine."

She missed the sarcasm.

"Okay. You two have fun together!"  
She kissed me on the cheek an left, I hope she didn't see me wipe it off.

Grabbing some pudding, I walked to Ike's room. Maybe he was just doing extra-credit work, he does those a lot.

I knocked on the door. Well more like kicked it.

"IKE! GET UP!"

He didn't answer.

"COME ON, I'VE GOT PUDDING!"

He still didn't answer.

"IKE, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED!" No answer, and I just opened the door this time.

He wasn't in there? Probably hiding.

I'll just look around.

"Ike, come out. I really don't wanna waste my time and effort trashing your room."

I looked in every possible place that he could possibly fit, and he was no where. Is he playing some kind of joke?

I sighed, and sat down next to his bed.

Where did that little fucker go? I looked around his room one more time, and noticed something I hadn't before.

It was a note tacked to the wall on the other side of the room. I walked over, and it read;

Kyle,

I wouldn't expect to see Ike any time soon.

From, Some Puerto Rican Guy. (or is it...)

Uhh... What?

Someone took Ike?

Why would anyone want Ike?

Hmmm, I have _NO_ idea who this could be...

NO ONE messes with me or my brother, even if he looks like a walking trashcan.

Cartman's gonna **_get it._**

He better prepare for a world of hurt.

Well.. worse than I had planned on anyway.

I ripped the note off the wall, and threw it away. If Cartman is gonna do something _that bad_, I can too.

What did I even do to him? Why _me_? Why _my_ brother?


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Quick update! Yay! Ive also changed my pen name... again. ;D It was IChangedMyNameAgain, but now its Ninja-of-Silver.**

**I also keep forgetting the disclaimer.**

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN SOUTH PARK. IF I DID I WOULDN'T BE HERE. I'D BE IN SAN DIEGO.**

* * *

****My plan has been put into action.

I hope I'll be able to keep a straight face when I see Kyle, as I get to his house. I'm heading there now, about to knock on the door, actually.

This plan has to work, if it doesn't I'm going to be so pissed off, I might kill someone.

I'm being_ totally_ seriously though.

I knock on the door.

No answer.

It wont work if I don't see him before Monday!

I knock again, but still no one answers, so I just open the door. Why isn't it locked? Oh well. Not my problem if he gets murdered by a minority or something.

Looking around, I just see a living room. No ones in here.

Wait, what was that banging noise? It sounds like someones throwing something around upstairs.

I don't feel like walking up there.

"KYLE! YOU UP THERE JEW?!"

The banging stops, and a door slams.

_Very_ forcefully.

Kyle's running down the stairs, trips, falls down the last few steps, landing on his ass harder than I think would be comfortable. He puts his hand on his head for a second or two, then pulls it down. Slowly, he looks up at me, with an expressionless face, but I see his hands form fists making his knuckles white.

"Hey Kahl, I have something to tell you."

He looks down, shutting his eyes harder than necessary. Still on the ground.

"Do you really? I have something to tell _you_ too."

_Really_? Id like to hear what _that_ would be.

"Oh? And what would that be?"

I smile up at him innocently. At least I think that's what it looks like.

Kyle opens his eyes again, glaring at me with a hella lot of hatred. It seems a bit more intense than usual. That irks me a bit.

Wait. No it doesn't! _Nothing_ bothers_ me_!

Before I have time to process what happened, I'm pinned to the ground, Kyle holding me by my wrists!

_What the fuck is he doing?!  
_

"EY! GET OFF ME JEW BOY!"_  
_

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU TAKE MY BROTHER FATASS?!"

Uhh... What?

"I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR TRASHCAN OF A BROTHER IS! GET OFF ME! THE _JEW GERMS_!"

His face was only a few inches from mine, and I noticed Kyle's eyes have a darker tint too them. That only happens when he's _extremely_ pissed off.

...How do I know that? I probably just pay attention.

He just held me there for a while, him glaring at me, me doing the same to him.

It was strangely comfortable.

Before I had time to ponder this, Kyle got off me, and bitch slapped me.

I started laughing. Did he really think that would do anything?

"Why are you laughing? I just slapped you. I didn't think you were that stupid."

"You didn't think I was stupid before?"

I saw him tense a bit.

"Yes I did. Now answer the damn question before I call the cops. Where the fuck is my brother!? I know you took him! You must have written the note!"

He held a piece of paper in my face, and I snatched it away.

So... someone took the Jews brother, hmmn?

I wanna see where this is going.

He's convinced its me, based on the last few days.

I thought he would be smart enough to think me taking Ike was a bit obvious...

Eh, I'll just take this chance to better my plan.

"I didn't take him Kyle."

* * *

***Switch to Kyles POV***

"I didn't take him Kahl."

I tried reading his face, but found it oddly,... sincere.

That, and amused.

This isn't fucking funny. Mom and Dad are gonna kill me.

I laughed anyway, more out of being nervous from his reaction to this. Wouldn't he have yelled at me, not said that so simply? The thought makes me uneasy.

"Oh really? Well then if your so _innocent_, why dont you help me find him?"

He seemed to be considering this, which only made my interest peak higher seeing that he was actually thinking.

His chocolate brown eyes glazed over, staring at the ceiling as if the right decision was there. After a few seconds, he turned to focuse on me again.

"Sure Kyle. I'll help you find your beloved piece of shit trashcan."

He smirked, most likely enjoying the outcome of that statement.

I felt my face screwing up into a scowl, but then I had an idea.

If Cartman is so sure he can get away with this, I should at least see where he goes with this.

... For my own amusement, I mean.

* * *

**A/N: It's short, I know... but I plan on updating this sooner. Im really getting into this.**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: School blah blah busy blah blah blah no update BLAAAAAHHHHHH.**  
**This excuse is over used. I really didn't have time though.**

**Disclaimer: South Park isn't mine. As much as we all wish it was ours...**

* * *

As Kyle gestured for me to sit down, I happily obliged. Standing is not my thing, and people need their damn rest.

Kyle was still looking pissy. His weird green hat was lopsided, showing just a tiny bit off his Ginger Jew fro, and he was breathing deeply. I saw a hint of amusement flash through his eyes when I told him I'd help find Ike. I'm being very fucking seriously when I say that is confusing me. I had a totally different plan, way better than that kind of old school shit.

You see, I was going to start a super cool group of people that were going to help me with a problem I've had for a long time- The cheesy poof shortage of course.

When I go with my mom to the store, there are only stupid ass cheese balls (how the fuck does that sound appetizing?) and cheese puffs.

CHEESY POOFS ARE WAY COOLER ASSHOLES!

So, I have started; La Cheesy Poof Resistance!

And how will this affect Kyle, you say? _He_ _doesn't get to join!_

HA.

He would totally freak the fuck out. Seeing his face all messed up, crying, oh the _awesomeness_...

Sitting down, I took a deep breath, thinking of what I was supposed to say. I don't know about Kyle, but this is extremely awkward for me. I don't really give a fuck about Ike, so... I guess I'll just wing it. I can pull some very screwed up things off. It's one of the reasons I'm so cool.

Looking up towards Kyle, I quickly noticed he was muttering to himself. He really over thinks things like this, contemplating the big picture; missing the most obvious things right under his crooked Jew nose. Wow, I could write a book the things I hate about him. Not that it would be worth anything to me.

"So Kahl, who is first on your list of suspects?"

He must have forgot I was there, because he jumped slightly causing me to chuckle.

"I hadn't really thought of that, I was more focused on where he might be."

"How do you even know it's a 'he'? It could be anyone, damn Kahl have you ever done anything like this before?"

He glared at me slightly. "No, cause unlike you I haven't had too, fatass. Who do you think it is anyway"

I took a minute to think this through more thoroughly._ Lets see, what do I know about Ike?_

_ He's... smart, I think. That means who ever the kid napper is might use Ike's brains to solve something?_

_ Naww, who's retarded enough to need someone his ages' help? _

_Oh right, this town is full of retards.  
_

"Do you know anyone who might need your brothers services? I mean, he's like a genius right?"

"... Maybe, but I don't know anyone who would take him for something they could have just asked him. He is a smart kid, but not in the ways that would benefit a criminal. At least I'd hope that he couldn't. I was thinking this person might just have a grudge on_ me_."

He dragged out that last word and stared pointedly at me. Don't think I was oblivious to him thinking it was me; I just know that whether or not he does, for once I didn't do it.

He continued on.  
"Anyway, I was hoping you might have some ideas as to who could have done it."

_...Who would do it?_

I don't know anyone that truly hates Kyle, to be honest. To everyone, -with the exception of myself- He's pretty likeable, I guess you could put it. The overall nice, smart, logical kid. At least that's how I over hear people describe him.

The first person that comes to mind when I hear 'kidnapping' is Scott Tenorman.

Bastard.

Although, I don't even think he's ever met Kyle. So it can't be him.

The next person would be Damien Thorn. He's become more violent, and keeps to himself. The only person he ever hangs out with since that first year is Pip. God knows why... probably because their socially awkward, but you never know.

Once again, I doubt he would single out Kyle or his brother. He kinda hates everyone for rejecting him, so why wouldn't he just kill us all?

Wait a minute. What if Ike wasn't just kidnapped... What if someone killed that little fucker?

Oh well, then less work for me, right?

"I honestly have no idea Kyle. But, I do know who could help me. Err, I mean _us_."

He looked like a lost puppy. "And who would that be?"

Pulling out my cell phone, I smirked knowingly at an anxious Kyle.

"Oh, you'll see."

* * *

**AN: I feel as if this chapter was shitty.**

**Can someone tell me if I need to have more details or something? I get all excited to write, and then, well...**

**This comes out. :/**

**Oh, and PLEASE join La Cheesy Poof Resistance! :D Its founded by SupremeBoredom and britishlikepip. You can ask them any questions, and the official 'I joined' type thingy is on their profiles. It's also in communities.  
**

**Thank you for reading though, as always. It makes us writers feel special. :)**

**Please review?**


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: This chapter may or may not give you a clue to who the kidnapper is... I tried to drop a few hints, but maybe you won't notice them. Ehh.

Disclaimer: Do I really have to keep doing this? *sigh* I don't own South Park. Calm yourselves.

"Cartman, you have got to be kidding me."

He had called Butters, of all people, to help us -err, me. What goes through his head, I will never understand.

He opened the door for Butters to come in, and he shyly sat on the couch next to me. I wonder how Cartman convinced him to come, wouldn't even he know to stay away from someone who has bullied him since we were nine, and now eleven? Just like everyone in South Park, he's slowly losing his common sense...

Cartman shut my front door, and sat on my other side.

"I'm glad you could make it, Butters."

Butters looked down at his hands. "And I'm glad you asked me to come, Eric. What was it you wanted again?"

At this, Cartman gave a toothy smile. "Oh, we're just starting a search and rescue mission for Kyle's now missing brother."

And that's when realization struck me.

"Dude! What happens when my mom finds out?! She's gonna start a fuckin' WAR! Probably blame it on some country other than Canada, and we'll all end up killing ourselves in the process!"

Cartman laid back a bit, crossing his legs like a girl would and holding his hands together on his lap. He seemed cool and collected.

... Well not cool, but you know what I mean.

"Kyle, Kyle, Kyle... who ever said your mom was gonna find out?"

I scoffed. "Yeah, what did you have in mind, a decoy? Do you recall what happened last time we tried that?"

"Hmmnn... Nope." He's horrible at sarcasm, seriously.

I had completely forgotten Butters was there, and he had gotten up to look around at the pictures of my family on the wall.

"Kyle, how did you know Ike had gone 'missin?"

"Oh, there was a note on the wall. It said from some Puerto Rican guy. But it's obviously not."

"Oh." He was looking intently at a picture with me, Stan, Kenny and Cartman together on the first day of school. Stan's dad had insisted on taking at least one picture or video of us; it was when he had that camera obsession. Butter's looked almost sad. Which makes perfect sense to me, because everyone knows he's always been an outcast. Well, he is a loser, but I almost feel bad for him.

Almost.

He sighed, and sat back down next to me. I thought I saw some expression other than sadness on his face for a moment, but I couldn't tell what it was.

Cartman got up, causing the couch to make a funny noise due to the springs in it. I really don't understand how he still thinks he's not fat.

"Well, sitting here doing nothing will get us no where. I think if we walk through town, we could look for anything suspicious."

Butters got back up. "Yeah, that's a great idea Eric! This town is pretty small, even the little details could be right under our noses!" He smiled, and they both went towards the door.

It's weird how they forget I'm here, and that this is my house. Now that I think about it, Cartman invited Butters without even asking me.

Rude Bastard.

As they opened the door, I finally got up and tagged behind them.

First, Cartman recommended we go to the far side of town. Of course, Butters chickened out and tried making excuses not to go that way.

"-and fellas, don't you think we should go the other way, because somewhere like this would be too... well, obvious?" His gaze shifted from Cartman to me, and he looked pleading.

He really doesn't wanna go there, but I have too. I'm willing to look anywhere for Ike, no matter what it takes.

"Butters, I think we should check, just in case. What if the kidnapper did take Ike here, but new we wouldn't check because he thought it was too obvious and that we would go somewhere else?" Cartman's had his thinking face on, and Butters was rubbing his knuckles together like he does when he's nervous.

"W-well, what if the guy did bring Ike here, and we do go this way, and he's not there because he wasn't in the first place and decided to set up a trap instead even though he was there but actually isn't just to confuse us but because he is there we get trapped and then-

"IT HURTS! STOP TALKING!"

Cartman must have been thinking too hard or something... Jesus Christ why do I talk to these people?

"Let's just go. Fuck all else. You guys can either come, or debate whether or not the kidnapper can be in two places at once."

And on that note, I left.

For about ten seconds I walked alone, but soon heard extremely loud footsteps and lighter ones coming up behind me.

Idiots.

"Okay, now we can start looking around for anything suspicious. If there's anything out of the ordinary-

Cartman rolled his eyes. "South Park and ordinary in the same sentence?"

"Alright, anything out of the ordinary for South Park, then. Keep your eyes open for fucked up things. That, and weirdos."

And so we did.

Butters took the eyes open thing seriously, and it took a minute or two for Cartman to explain that he could blink. Cartman accused an African American man of being out of the ordinary... I was close to slapping him.

Racist asshole!

Other than that, nothing too interesting happened.

It was becoming mid afternoon, so why not go get lunch? Fuck it, Stans gone and I don't remember where Kenny-

Scratch that last part.

"Hey Kenny!" Butters waved enthusiastically at him, and gestured for him to come over.

Kenny eyed us curiously, probably because Butters was with us. I gave him a reassuring smile, and he cautiously walked over.

"Hey Kenny. Wandering the streets for money, I see? You are fucking poor!"

Kenny glared at him. "And your still fucking fat, asshole." His speech was muffled by his parka, like always.

He looked at me and Butters more kindly.

"Hey guys," He looked more at me this time,"I know Stan's gone for the weekend, but I didn't think you would hang out with... these guys..."

Why didn't I ask Kenny for help? How retarded of me, he knows all about shit like this!

...I think...

"Sorry, Kenny. We just have a problem; Ike's been kidnapped."

Kenny looked even more confused now. "Well, why are you looking for him? I thought you wanted Ike to be gone. Remember all those times you used him as a football? And in third grade, you were the one to get rid of him! And you could have asked me for help."

"I... do care about Ike a little more, he's never been an ass too me, so I figure I could at least save him from the stupid bastard or bastards that took him. It's just that Cartman showed up right when I found out he'd gone missing, and for some reason called Butters to help."

"Oh. Well can I come with you guys?"

Cartman looked disgusted now. "I don't want your poor ass anywhere near me Kenny!"

I could see a bit of Kenny's smirk through his hood. "Your already hanging out with Jew boy and Buttercup here, what difference would I make? No offense for the nicknames guys."

"None taken."

"Buttercup?"

Cartman got an excited look on his face. "You guys, I'm frickin hungry. Let's buy lunch!" He pointed to some restaurant across the street.

Kenny's green eyes lit up through his hood. "Food? I haven't eaten for two days... so..."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay. Butters, you coming?"

He found the snow under his feet suddenly interesting. "Uhh, I can't fellas. I'm suppose to be home soon, and I don't really wanna get grounded." And he speed walked in the direction of his house.

Kenny raised an eyebrow. "That was weird."

"Well, it's Butters." I reminded him.

"Good point."

Cartman started whining. "Come on guys, I want some god damn fooooood!"

I nodded towards him, and Cartman ran across the street causing a passing car to honk at him, and the driver flipped him off as he kept running at Cartman-speed. Me and Kenny exchanged glances, shrugged, and waited for a car to let us pass.

AN: Well, I tried to make this extra long (my version of a long chapter, I mean) because I haven't updated in a while. My computer broke again. That thing is a piece of shit... I need a damn laptop sometime soon.

Hope you liked it. Have a good day!... Or something. :D 


	8. Hello?

**Uhhh.**

**Well.**

**I pretty much ditched this story.**

**It will be removed if no one's gonna read it. I didn't really know where to take it anyways.**

**Any thoughts?**


End file.
